Thursday, November 10, 2005

Björn's first date

On Tuesday night, Björn and Chrissy went to the movies together. Just the two of them. In spite of the ribald remarks from some of my colleagues, I knew I could trust the pair of them to be sensible. Had it been any other girl, I might have been less comfortable about allowing my son of only-just-fourteen to go out on a date without a group of friends in attendance to act as a buffer.

Much to Torvald's amusement (and Björn's puzzlement), my heart was very full after dropping Björn off at the cinema. I had to drive Chrissy home afterward - she lives several miles outside of town - and when Björn walked her to the front door, it really hit home that we had passed another milestone and that my son was becoming a man in whose life my role is steadily diminishing. I find that, while I am proud of the emerging man and reluctant to jeopardise his development, I am nevertheless grieving for the loss of what was.

Mothers of sons know that the growing apart is of necessity a one-way process. Daughters pull away as teenagers and then boomerang back when they're all done being rebellious and contrary. Not so with sons. The distance just keeps widening.

How can I explain this? I still get to kiss him goodbye every morning and goodnight every night. I still pray with him at bedtime. I still sit opposite him at the dinner table every evening and grumble about the state of his room (almost) every day. I still iron his clothes (he does the laundry himself) and harangue him to put his clean washing away. I still remind him to do his homework (I even help occasionally) and practise on his guitar. I still impose limits on the amount of time he spends on the computer/playstation/telly. He still spends the same number of hours a day under my roof and in my direct and indirect care.

Yet I miss him. I miss the little boy he used to be. I love this young man - don't get me wrong - but I miss being needed. I know, I know - it's all me me me, but it doesn't hurt any the less for it. I'll get over it, but right now, I'm having a little wallow. So there.

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